Lessons Learned

Today would have been my mother's seventy-first birthday. As a tribute, I'd like to share some of the lessons I have learned from my mother.

1) Given enough anger and frustration, anyone can spontaneously generate hardware fasteners to issue forth from their orifices. "You children make me so mad that I could spit tacks!"

2) The most infamously cruel and horrid prison in history was apparently so bad because my dirty clothing and toys were laying strewn on the carpet that floored it. "Donald! Clean-up this room, it looks like the Black Hole of Calcutta in here!"

3) It would be better to suffer alone than to seek assistance for an injury. "Donald! If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

4) It is possible to the auditory orifices to be put into agrarian production. "Donald! You did not wash behind your ears! I could grow potatoes back here!"

5) Almost anything that can be eaten (if not enjoyed) is sorely lacking in Asia. "Donald! Don't you let that entrail and carrot scraping soup got to waste. There are starving children in Asia!"

6) Offering to be magnanimous and humanitarian is not always appreciated. "No, Donald, you may not have an envelope to mail it to them!"

7) Despite a complete lack of rational reason why it should be so, curses work. "One of these days, you children will have kids just like you!"

8) One's visual receptors can be worn out by using them for their intended purpose. "Stop watching so much TV, you'll ruin your eyes!"

9) A good descriptive name can cover a really bad recipe. "It's called 'Glorified Rice. Just eat it!'"

10) That to this day, I am a far better person for having known her. "One of these days, you'll thank me for this."

I do, Mom. I do! Every day.

I hope that you are making memories today that you will keep with you always, wherever you are!

Don Bergquist - 25-January-2005 - Thames Ditton, Surrey, United Kingdom

Editor's Notes:

1) Sometimes the proffered item was a candy bar... Some times she would have to 'stand on my head' to spit out tacks.

2) If that is what made the Black Hole so bad... It's a good thing they were never sent to The Black Hole of the credenza in Mom & Dad's Room.

3) Okay, this is just a stock parental axiom, but I think that it must be from Doctor Spock. Everyone my age remembers their parents using this chestnut occasionally.

4) The only cure for potatoes behind the ears was spit on a Kleenex.

5) Okay, there was no entrail and carrot scraping soup, we had something even worse: (and I shutter as I recall this) Beef and Barley soup.

6) I know we must have offered at least once...

7) There is a reason that I was in no particular hurry to be the first to become a parent. It has now become apparent that the curse is working.

8) Though, I still contend you can ruin your ears by listening to Rap.

9) Glorified Rice: Minute Rice (prepared without salt), Canned Fruit Cocktail, Walnuts, Flaked Coconut, Miniature marshmallows, and Cool Whip.

10) I cannot count the ways.