As a public service to my compatriots I would like to share a few observations about America that have become painfully obvious during my stay over here in the UK.
Observation #1: Americans are Bozos!
Dave Barry in "The Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need by Dave Barry" observes that the moment we leave home we become simpering idiots who will do an say anything regardless of how stupid it sounds. (His line from the book, which is the quote titling this piece, is reported to have been over heard by him at the Louvre.) Here are a few helpful pointers to help get you over the culture shock: London Bridge is a rail station. Tower Bridge is the big tall thing that spans the Thames in Central London. (London bridge is also a tourist destination in Lake Havasu, Arizona, but that's a whole other story.) Monty Python (as hard as this may be to believe) is not as popular and widely quoted as it is back at home. (And my personal demon...) The residents over here insist on thinking of English as being their language... Go with it! Humor them.
Observations #2: Americans are arrogant!
If you cannot help constantly touting American superiority over the rest of the world, please just either shut up or stay home! I was in a pub recently and had to keep my mouth closed to keep people from associating me with some really pompous Americans who were expounding (ad nauseam) on the virtues of being American, how much better things were at home, the horrid weather was here and how rudely the people here had treated them. Here's a hint guys: They're rude to you because you're rude to them!
Observation #3: Americans are loud.
I think I will move on here... but in this case it is just because I am loud; always have been. Just ask anyone who knows me. But seriously, I'll admit the few faults I actually have. We all need to tone it down a bit, guys!
Observation #4: There is no Observation #4
(Sorry had to get a Monty Python nod in here somewhere!)
Observation #5: Americans are aggressive.
This is just wrong! Every time I hear this one, I want to hit the person saying it.
Observation #6: Americans are stupid!
Guys, how many times do you have to be told? The drive on the "wrong" side of the road here. Here's a hint: Look BOTH ways. Quit stepping out in front of traffic.
Observation #7: Americans have short attention spans.
I was in a pub not too long ago when a compatriot asked me for directions somewhere. On hearing my accent, they interrupted the directions I was giving to "chat" about where I was from back in the states, what it was like there, how long it would be before I went back there. They then walked away without ever having gotten the directions. I tried to finish the directions, but they walked away.
Observation #8: Americans are burger guzzling swine
Okay, this I have seen on a number of occasions: An American walks into a restaurant or public house and tries to order a burger. When told that the establishment does not serve a burger, the person changes the order to a cheeseburger. Apparently, for some Americans traveling abroad, the idea that any eatery does not serve a burger is an abhorrent, unthinkable thought.
Observation #9: Americans have a wanker for a president.
Uh, yeah! They've got us there!
I hope that these tips help you should you choose to travel abroad which, if you are an American is unlikely. According to an article in the New York Times, only about a quarter of all Americans actually have a passport. Of those, fewer than half have ever used it to actually travel abroad. So where are all these American stereotypes coming from? Hmmm perhaps from some loud, stupid, aggressive, bozo, world-traveling American... possibly from Texas. But that is just a guess.
I hope that wherever you are today, you can steer clear of people who annoy you!
Don Bergquist - 10 October 2006 - Thames Ditton, Surrey, UK
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