Crime and Punishment

I knew it!

I knew that the months of giving away the state secrets about the British would eventually catch-up with me. The endless time haranguing the locals to “speak properly.” The constant insistence that “pants” can also be called “trousers” and the insistence that they quit making up words to salt randomly into their speech as is we wouldn’t notice. (I mean really, a chippie is a prostitute... not a type of restaurant!! The first time I heard someone say that they went to the chippie for lunch, well, wahoo!)

But I never realized that there really were English police! (By that I mean Grammar police... not ‘English’ police... I know that there are officers who are English, I’m referring to those who police English, Grammar!”) I mean you’re always hearing about them, but has anyone ever actually seen one? I thought not...

And you still haven’t.

I got the call yesterday afternoon that a mate of mine from this office who has gone on to join London’s finest stopped by for a quick chat. I was called to the lobby by our receptionist and told that I was in trouble and going to be arrested. I figured that could be one of three things; my friend Kevin had come by to visit, my friend Phil had stopped by to visit or the local constabulary was tired of all the crap I have been giving the locals. Luckily, it was one of the former. So Phil and I mugged for the cameras of my colleagues who heard I was about to be arrested. Luckily, my colleagues over from the states didn’t know Phil, so when they saw me in the cuffs, it took them aback...

On a side note, British handcuffs, with the solid manacle hand-grip between makes them less comfortable than the American style (with the chain between the wrist pieces) but I can see the advantage of having more control of your prisoner. I mentioned this to my pal who had cuffed me and was immediately treated to the looks of raised eyebrows of my colleagues who wanted to know how I would know what handcuffs felt like. Oh, I do! But that is a story for another time. (How can I remain enigmatic if I give away all my secrets at once?)

I hope that wherever you are today, you have something to be entertained by!

Don Bergquist - 31 October 2006 - Thames Ditton, Surrey, UK