Not since the Oakland Board Of Education recognized Ebonics
as an official language has a new language designation been bestowed on such a
pervasive and worthy language as is the case today. Due to the snowstorm this
weekend I had an opportunity to watch news to my heart's content this Sunday
and I had an earth-shattering realization. It is not that the talking heads
were lying, they were simply not speaking English as we, the non-political
mouthpieces, do.
It occurred to me this strange and evolving language may
confuse people who are not familiar with some of its peculiar turns of phrase
so, as a public service, I decided to present a basic primer today of some of
the phrases that you may hear a Politenglish speaker use.
Bipartisan
adjective
equally loathed by all
parties
Fascism
Noun
Democracy
Fascist
noun
any democratically elected
executive of a political leaning other than that of the speaker
synonym: Socialist
First Amendment
huh?
Shut up while I tell you what
to think. I'm talking now!
Leadership
noun
the act of agreeing entirely
with the speaker and espousing all of their views
Power-Grab
noun
any decision of a democratically
elected official with which the speaker personally disagrees
Second Amendment
noun
"It shall be required by
law that all persons regardless of mental capacity shall have right to buy any
weapon they would care to, for any reason, at any time, in any place.
Furthermore, any motion toward taking any reasonable action for the protection
of public safety shall be considered anathema. This right trumps all other
rights and responsibilities defined herein."
See: Howitzer Happy Meal
Socialism
Noun
democracy
Socialist
noun
any democratically elected
executive of a political leaning other than that of the speaker
synonym: Fascist
Unconstitutional
adverb
any action of a
democratically elected official with which the speaker personally disagrees
Wherever you are today I hope you understand what you mean.
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